


A piece of yourself that you let go

by justhockey



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evan “Buck” Buckley deserves the world, Friends to Lovers, Gentleness, Getting Together, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, Loneliness, M/M, Past Sexual Assault, Protective Eddie Diaz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-05-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 09:15:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23968978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: He’s smiling, like maybe if he pretends that everything is ok it will make it so. But he looks sad behind the smile and his eyes look kind of haunted. Eddie just wants to hold him close and make the whole world disappear for a while.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 32
Kudos: 607





	A piece of yourself that you let go

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _I Believe You_ by FLETCHER.
> 
> Content Warning in end notes.

_Is that the one I slept with?_

The words land heavy in Eddie’s stomach the second they leave Buck’s mouth. And Buck is laughing, kind of, and the rest of the team are too, so it shouldn’t really be a big deal but. It just, doesn’t sit right with him somehow? It feels like a weight on his chest and the words keep ricocheting around in his head.

Eddie wants to say something, ask more about it maybe, but then the alarm rings out through the firehouse and it’s back to business. They all rush down the stairs and dress in their turn out gear, such a familiar routine that Eddie doesn’t stop thinking about what Buck had said until they’re in the truck and Bobby is explaining what they’re heading into. 

It’s a routine call, and they’re pulling back into the firehouse just as the second shift arrive to clock on. 

The conversation from earlier is still playing on a loop in Eddie’s mind, and he knows he won’t be able to settle without talking about it. But he also knows what Buck is like, and how defensive he can get when people try to help him or, god forbid, talk about _genuine_ feelings. 

He’s not sure how best to broach the subject, how to do it without hurting Buck, but he knows he has to do _something._

“You busy tonight?” Eddie asks Buck as they’re changing in the locker room. 

Buck turns to face Eddie, wearing nothing but jeans hung low on his hips and a wide grin. Eddie thinks he might be the death of him. 

“Am I ever?” Buck replies. 

Eddie laughs, “You wanna come help Christopher with his science project?”

Buck’s eyes light up at the mention of Christopher, and it makes Eddie’s heart soar. He’d never thought it possible that he would one day meet someone who loved his son as much as he did, would have laughed in anyone’s face who dared to suggest it. But here Buck is, grinning like the cat that got the cream just at the mention of Christopher’s name. It makes his heart stutter in his chest. 

“Of course man, what does he have to do?” Buck asks, finally pulling a t-shirt over his head. 

“Volcanoes,” Eddie tells him, grimacing slightly. 

The expression that passes across Buck’s face is enough to make Eddie nervous. He’s got an excited smirk teasing at one corner of his mouth and a determined look in his eyes. It’s probably an awful idea, Eddie thinks, and he’s _certain_ his house is gonna be a disaster afterwards. But he already knows it’s gonna be worth it. 

“ _Yes!_ ” Buck exclaims, “Do you have baking soda? Vinegar? This is gonna be _awesome_ , man.”

Eddie shakes his head and laughs, because of _course_ Buck already knows how to make an exploding volcano, he should have known. He’d planned on following a youtube video and winging the rest of it, but clearly he has an expert on his hands. 

“Why the hell would I have baking soda?” 

“To make volcanoes?” Buck answers, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

Eddie shakes his head again. It’s sort of a pre-requisite of being around Buck, if he’s honest. He’s always in a state of either fond exasperation or complete disbelief. It always keeps things interesting, though. 

“When would I have ever-“ he pauses, sighing. “You know what, never mind. No, I don’t. I _do_ have vinegar though.”

Buck nods his head thoughtfully as he finishes packing up his bag. Eddie has already finished and is just waiting for his answer. He could probably figure it out himself, but Christopher really would have way more fun with Buck to help out anyway. And maybe Eddie would too. Whatever. 

At least it’ll get Buck through the door and give Eddie time to figure out what exactly he should say. 

“Okay I’ll head to the store to get the baking soda and some other stuff we’ll need, and I’ll meet you back home?” Buck suggests. 

God. Buck says _home_ like it’s no big deal. Like the thought of Buck feeling comfortable enough there to call it home doesn’t pull at Eddie’s heart. 

“Sounds good,” Eddie replies, and he knows his voice sounds too soft but he doesn’t care, Buck won’t pick up on it anyway. 

“I’ll be like, an hour, tops,” Buck says, and then he’s off. 

Fifty two minutes later Buck is on the doorstep with two target bags full of god knows what. Buck’s smiling almost shyly at him, like he’s worried Eddie may have changed his mind. As if Eddie could _ever_ change his mind about Buck. He knows there’s no going back now. 

But then Christopher is crashing into Buck’s legs, and any hint of worry has disappeared from his face. 

“Hey buddy, I hear we’re making a volcano?” Buck asks, crouching down so he can look Christopher in the eye. 

“You’re helping?” Christopher asks excitedly, then turns to Eddie, “Dad, Bucky is helping?”

Eddie feels an overwhelming sense of gratitude in that moment, for how much his best friend loves his son, and how much his son loves him right back. 

Buck scoffs, “Did you think I’d let your dad do this without any supervision? He can barely make cereal without destroying the place.”

Christopher tips his head back, letting out a burst of laughter that Eddie is certain will make him smile every time he hears it for the rest of his life. 

“Come on Chris, do you trust me or Buck more with this?” He asks as they all make their way into the kitchen. 

Buck unpacks the bags onto the kitchen table that Eddie has already covered with an old bed sheet just in case. 

Christopher holds his chin as if he’s thinking deeply.

“Buck,” he answers, laughing. 

Buck gives him a high five while Eddie scoffs in indignation. He pretends to sulk, just a little, but he honestly couldn’t be happier. 

.

Several hours later he has Christopher fast asleep on his lap, Buck sitting beside him, and two pretty awesome volcanoes drying in the kitchen. 

Buck had insisted on making two, one to test out just for them, and then the final one to present in Christopher’s class next week. The elaborate paint job on them was still drying when dinner time came around, so Buck had promised he would come by tomorrow as well so they could test out the prototype.

They’d had tacos for dinner, then played video games until Christopher had passed out, exhausted from the days activities. 

There’s a quiet, easy comfort between them as they watch the movie still playing on tv. Eddie doesn’t want to ruin it, but he knows there’s a conversation that Buck needs to have, even if Buck himself doesn’t know it yet. 

“I’m gonna take him to his room,” Eddie whispers, nodding at Christopher. 

Buck smiles and nods, but doesn’t say anything or give any indication that he’s going to leave while Eddie is gone. So he stands up with Christopher in his arms and carries him through to the back of the house, where their bedrooms are. 

The routine is easy and familiar as Eddie pulls back the covers on Christopher’s bed and lays him down on it. He puts the Dory toy - a gift from Buck - in the circle of Christopher’s arms, then the pulls the cover back over him. 

He presses a kiss to Christopher’s hair, but doesn’t leave the room right away. He knows that Buck is still waiting for him, and he still has no idea how or what he’s even going to say. But he closes Christopher’s bedroom door and heads back to the living room anyway. 

Buck turns his head and smiles at Eddie when he hears him approaching. Eddie isn’t sure when exactly he started getting butterflies around Buck - thinks it’s kind of stupid that a _grown man_ still gets butterflies - but they’re commonplace now, especially when Buck smiles at him like that, all soft and sleepy. Eddie sometimes imagines what it would be like to wake up to that smile. 

But the butterflies turn into bees when he sits back down next to Buck, knowing he needs to say something. He’s quiet for a while, even starts playing with his fingers to distract himself.

“You good?” Buck asks, chuckling a little as he picks up the altered atmosphere. 

Eddie lets out a breath. 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

He may as well just go for it, waiting won’t change anything. 

Buck shifts at the question, so he’s facing Eddie when he answers. 

“Yeah of course man,” he says, “is everything ok?”

“Yeah, just, it was something you said earlier,” he pauses and Buck nods, as if giving him permission to continue. “You had sex with your therapist?”

Buck closes off instantly. It’s painfully obvious in the way he leans backwards and folds his arms over his chest, the wrinkles on his forehead as he furrows his brows. Eddie knows what Buck is thinking, because he knows _Buck._ He thinks Eddie is judging him, because as confident as he pretends to be, all Buck really wants is validation. 

“I’m not judging,” Eddie rushes to explain, “I promise.”

Buck must see something in Eddie’s eyes that makes him believe him, because he slowly unfolds his arms and leans forward a little bit. 

He nods, “Yeah. I mean, I was going through some stuff. Sex addiction,” he says, coughing as if to cover up the words, like he’s embarrassed. 

It’s not what Eddie was expecting, for sure. In fact, it doesn’t seem like the Buck he knows in the slightest. But the last thing he’s going to do is judge or make Buck feel even more insecure about himself. Buck isn’t the one who should feel ashamed. 

“She was treating you for sex addiction and she slept with you?”

Eddie asks for clarification because he can’t quite believe it. If he had thought it was bad before, it’s a million times worse now. He feels his fists involuntarily clench in his lap, and he has to force himself to relax them if he wants to get through this conversation without completely losing his shit. 

Buck laughs sadly, “Yeah. I know it’s hard to believe, but I was even _more_ of a mess back then.”

Eddie’s heart just breaks for Buck, that he could think that about himself in the first place, but especially that he could feel shame about what was done to him. 

“Buck,” he says, and his voice is soft as if he’s talking to an injured animal. “Buck, you do realise that’s assault, right?”

Buck flinches and the look on his face is one of horror. 

“What? No, no I didn’t, I didn’t _force_ her,” he stutters. 

And god, Eddie’s whole body aches for Buck. 

“No, _no_ Buck, that’s not what I meant,” he explains, holding his hand up. “Of course you didn’t force her.”

He hates the fact that that’s where Buck’s mind automatically goes to, that he assumes Eddie could _ever_ think that about him. 

Some of the tension in Buck’s shoulders eases out once Eddie reassures him that he isn’t accusing him, but he still looks guarded, closed off. And Eddie wants to make it all okay, wants to say _let’s forget about it_ and move on, but he doesn’t think they can now. And he knows they shouldn’t, anyway. 

“Buck, I mean _she_ assaulted _you_ ,” Eddie explains. 

The reaction isn’t as visceral this time. Buck tightens his arms around himself but he doesn’t move away or immediately start trying to explain. They stay quiet for a while, and he watches Buck’s face as he processes what Eddie said, the slight changes in expression as he thinks. 

Eventually, Buck shakes his head. 

“No. I mean, I didn’t say no or anything,” he says. 

He’s smiling, like maybe if he pretends that everything is ok it will make it so. But he looks sad behind the smile and his eyes look kind of haunted. Eddie just wants to hold him close and make the whole world disappear for a while. 

“That doesn’t matter, Buck.”

It’s strange, because he _knows_ Buck knows that. They’d been called to an incident a few months back, a fire in a bedroom caused by knocked over candles. The guy had been furious that his date had his set his room on fire, but she just kept repeating that she didn’t want to. When he’d tried to explain that she never said no, Buck got up in his face, asking if she’d ever said _yes._

He understands when it comes to other people, he just just doesn’t see it the same when it comes to himself. 

“I think I wanted to,” Buck says, but his voice isn’t convincing, and the look on his face is even less so. 

God, Eddie hates this woman. Hates that she could do such a thing and make _Buck_ the one who is ashamed. 

“Buck, she was in a position of power _and_ of trust. She was treating you for sex addiction right?” Eddie pauses and Buck nods. “She used your vulnerabilities against you.”

Eddie waits again, watching as Buck thinks it through. He looks different this time, as he considers what Eddie said. Less shaken, perhaps. Eddie can only imagine how tough it is for Buck to realise and come to terms with, but he couldn’t stand watching something like that get joked about, watching Buck laugh awkwardly because he was embarrassed. He deserves to have it acknowledged, and he deserves the chance to talk about it if he wants to. 

“She assaulted me,” Buck says, sounding almost _relieved_. 

“Yeah,” Eddie agrees, “she did.”

Buck lets out a breath as he runs both of his hands through his curls. He leans forwards and rests his elbows on his knees, holding his head in his hands. Eddie wants to reach a hand out, but he doesn’t. He thinks Buck might need a few minutes. 

“Is it weird that I feel relieved?” Buck asks, choking out a surprised laugh. 

“I don’t think there’s a particular way you’re supposed to feel,” Eddie says honestly. 

He doesn’t have a lot of experience in this area, but he does have some. The army was a family to him, but it wasn’t that way for everyone. Women, and sometimes men, were assaulted more often that Eddie can stomach thinking about. He’s seen the haunted looks in people’s eye, when someone who was supposed to have their back sticks a knife in it, and no one higher up will do anything about it because they don’t want to look like they have a problem. 

He _does_ know that everyone reacts differently, and if Buck feels relieved, then who is Eddie to question that?

“Any time it was mentioned,” Buck says, “I always felt so _unclean_. And the guys would laugh and make jokes, so I joined in because it felt like I was supposed to. But. It just, felt heavy, I guess? I thought I was just overreacting.”

Eddie wants to cry for Buck, who’s clearly spent years thinking the way he felt wasn’t valid. He knows the team love Buck, and that they would never purposely hurt him or make light of something that bothered him. But he kind of wishes one of them would have talked to Buck about it, especially Bobby. Maybe if he’d been given the chance to actually _talk_ about it, instead of just being expected to joke about it, then this realisation could have come a lot sooner. 

“You weren’t overreacting, Buck,” Eddie says. 

Buck nods, turning his head to face Eddie. He’s not crying, but his eyes are red and shiny, and his hair is messy from where he’d been tugging at it. He smiles softly, and Eddie can’t help but reach out, letting his hand rest on Buck’s shoulder, his thumb gently pressing against the bare skin at his throat. 

“Yeah, yeah I wasn’t.”

They stay in that position, just looking at each other and _seeing_ each other, for longer than is probably considered platonic. But Eddie would give Buck anything he asked right now, anything he needed to make him feel valued and _loved_. 

Eddie thinks he’d probably do that anyway, regardless of the circumstances. 

“Eddie?” Buck says, breaking the silence with a shy question. 

“Yeah?”

Eddie squeezes his shoulder in encouragement. 

“I don’t think I was actually addicted to sex,” Buck confesses.

He looks away now, like he can’t talk about it while making eye contact. Eddie gets that, it feels like a lot and it’s not even his story to tell. The words don’t sound surprising to Eddie though. It almost feels like Buck is telling him something he already knew, even though he can’t quite place why. 

“You don’t?” He asks, patiently. 

Buck takes several deep breaths before continuing. 

“I didn’t even really care about the sex,” he admits, “I guess I just liked being close to someone for a while, y’know? Having someone want me. It made me feel less lonely.”

He says in such a matter-of-fact way that it kind of hurts Eddie’s heart. He hates so much that Buck has ever had to feel so alone, that he didn’t think he had anyone he could turn to. He wishes that he’d been around then, that instead of sticking around in Texas after Shannon disappeared, he’d just taken Christopher and left like he wanted to. Maybe if he’d done that, everything would have been different. Maybe Buck wouldn’t have felt such an all-encompassing loneliness. Maybe. Maybe. 

“Sorry,” Buck says, his voice scratchy like he’s holding back tears. “Sorry, that was probably too much.”

“No,” Eddie says immediately, “don’t ever apologise for your feelings, Evan.”

Eddie doesn’t think he’s ever called him Evan before, it’s always just been Buck. But it feels right in his mouth, rolls off his tongue so easily it’s like it belongs there. Buck seems to like it too, judging by the way he smiles and his shoulder relaxes under Eddie’s touch. 

There’s always been some unnamed thing between the two of them, ever since day one when Buck took an instant disliking to him. It’s like everything between them has always been so intense, hating each other or, well, _loving_ each other. But never any in between. 

And it’s been more for Eddie since before he can really remember, probably even before Shannon came back. But Buck, who seemingly wears his heart so proudly on his sleeve, has always been so reserved about it. Eddie thinks he understands why, now. It’s not that Buck doesn’t feel, it’s just that he’s afraid of it not being reciprocated. 

Eddie can’t imagine any world in which it isn’t reciprocated. 

“You don’t have to be lonely anymore,” Eddie whispers, the atmosphere all of a sudden thick with something tender. “You have a home with me and Christopher.”

They don’t kiss, they both know it’s not the right time. Eddie wants it to be something special that they can savour, not something that will be tainted with sadness for Buck. But they’ve waited for years now, so they can wait a little longer. 

They do hold hands, though, and Buck’s head rests on Eddie’s chest. Eddie’s arm falls heavy around Buck’s shoulders, and they breathe, and they’ll be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Content warning: mentions of past sexual assault but not described in any detail at all, it is just explained to Buck that one of his sexual experiences was actually assault and he comes to terms with that. I also in no way mean to suggest the way Buck feels/deals with this is correct or the “right” way, just simply that it’s how personally handles it.
> 
> I needed to write about this seeing as the actual show has never addressed it.


End file.
